Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
