I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
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