just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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