Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
