I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I woke up under a house in Key West
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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