I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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