i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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