I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
