Fuck appropriateness.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
