I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
