no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
