my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
