my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
