I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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