we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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