I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
ugly people sure do ruin things
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
