I am puke
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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