areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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