Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
