after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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