I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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