I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
