I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
