I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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