Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
