so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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