Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize