rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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