Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
