My friends, they love my intelligence
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
