You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We are all done wearing pants today
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
