He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
