I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
