I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize