matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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