So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
