I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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