haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
oh god was she eating orange peels again
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
