Betty ford says i'm here all night
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
