I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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