just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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