I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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