I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
