why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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