I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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