I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
