***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
