if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
