We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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