I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
