I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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