Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
