Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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