did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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