I wish I could teleport
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
