Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
