btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
