Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
