I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
