Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
