You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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